Subject: Dear Kordite: A Klingon Advice Column (#5)

DEAR KORDITE:  A KLINGON ADVICE COLUMN (#5)

Making the best of an annoyance.

Dear Kordite,
	My problem is this really cute little pet that my girlfriend 
brought back from Planet Hollywood last month.  It's round, furry, and 
buzzes at one when it is happy (or at any other time, as near as I can 
determine).  It also has kids. . . lots of them. The kids have kids. . . 
lots of them.  The grandkids have had kids. . . lots of them.  The little 
buggers are eating me out of house and home!  Help!
             			 			Troubled by Tribbles

Dear Troubled,
	These disgusting little monsters are like a detestable furry plague 
of syrupy-sweet niceness upon the galaxy and, were I to have my way, their 
scourge would be obliterated from the face of existance with the severest 
of violent prejudice.  Such is the extent of my loathing.  In the 
meantime, here is a list of some suggestions for dealing with the 
hateful, purring creatures:

	1) Tribbles are just the right size for coin purses.
	2) Fuzzy dice to hang above the targeting screen of your 
	   battlecruiser.
	3) Tribble McNuggets.  ("Tastes like chicken!")
	4) Really deep pile carpeting.
	5) Feed them Alka-Seltzer.  ("Pop goes the Tribble.")
	6) Fur coats.  ("Club 'em like harp seals, men!")
	7) Ferengi ear swabs.
	8) Tribble flambe, a delicious and visually entertaining dessert.
	9) Stir fry.
       10) Wrath (tm) brand Tribble Motels.  ("They check in but they 
	   don't check out.")

	To advance my genocidal campaign I intend to publish a book in the 
near future.  I have yet to decide on a title, perhaps "1001 Uses for a 
Dead Tribble" or maybe "Tribble Ranching for Fun and Profit.".  Anyone 
caring to support the most worthy and honorable cause of Tribble 
eradication can send donations and recepies to me care of this 
publication.

Lt.Cmdr. Kordite vestai-Tasighor (aka Kevin Geiselman) is Intelligence 
Officer of the IKV Dark Justice and advice columnist for the Internet.  
Send your questions to him via e-mail c/o kelly1@unixd.cis.pitt.edu or 
via snail-mail at 301 Overdale Rd. Pittsburgh, PA 15221

Special Thanks to Lt. Cmdr. William Underhill, USS Vancouver 
<aa452@cfn.cs.dal.ca>

